Co-dependancy​

Co-Dependency.

I cannot tolerate my own company. I for one in recent times have become a slave to others. Bringing the social conference to the forefront of my mind constantly everyday. Updating others asking how they are, telling them how I am. A constant struggle to be anywhere than on my own in my own subconscious. Calling people out for their lateness in correspondence and not just him every single person in my life.

How has it gotten so heightened this feeling i’ve always had of unwontedness has grown to gargantuan sizes. Even with a total blow-up of my social activity and reciprocation of friendships and investments in my life. I still feel I have to overcompensate in every aspect of my personality, and it is a horrible feeling. To always feel like you have to perform when meeting people instead of just relaxing has been a particular problem of mine. Lately, I feel almost as I have been so dependant on this habit.

I hate being on my own utterly and desperately, however, do not mistake my intentions if I contact you. ( If one of the select few of my friends who has access to my blog reads this) I do not contact someone for a brief respite of my own hatred of me-time, I only converse when I feel conversation is fluid and active by both parties ( except for him but he’s special).

How do I defeat this self-hatred well! I have recently bought a mic and am going to record a podcast!! And when times are alone and I feel I have nothing to do, I will have something unreal to work on hopefully!!

I need to work on being independent.

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Day 6, 7 and 8.

“I sit and listen to the change in the tides, how they erode my mind; are you or I the moon providing the force of such hurtful change.”

*When I started doing these accounts they were as a source of healing for myself. Yet now every-time I do an entry it hurts. This is why there has been a gap this weekend. An overview of the 3 days consists of a variety of emotions. To combat my absence I have decided to challenge myself by summing up the 3 days in an elongated sentence. So here you have Day’s 6, 7 and 8 compressed.

 

 

Day Four

Day Four.

Perhaps the worst.
A glance and I am shattered, unable to settle my queasy head.
Sitting alone passengers stare and judge.

Aching, anger and loss.
A loss for the walk in the rain.
The time unspent.
With him.

To picture how It could’ve been.
Ruin’s me.

A match I was ready to light myself a flame.

however you struck me.

then I burned.

Day two.

Day two.

No word yet.
I sit and twiddle my thumbs.

No word yet.
I have been my own judge, jury, and executioner.

No word yet.
Give me the chair, I scream.

No word yet.
Maybe it’s for the best

No word yet.
Maybe it’s for the worst.

No word yet.
I can still bring myself to remember that scent.

No word yet.
A scent so familiar it brings me to tears.

No word yet.
No word.

Day one

I have fallen so deeply.

No door presents itself to me.

I sit alone in the room, hoping for change. Actively trying

Then fall again, a vicious cycle.

Hurting everyone I touch, then fall further away from contact.

A hideous false smile perches itself on my lips each day.

Who will save me now?

Myself?

I think not.