Deleted.

You removed me.

From everything,

For just one moment in this horrible horrible world where people get hurt and make mistakes. I felt happy in your arms.

I would never dare to do the same.

I know better.

You may delete what we had from your life.

But you can never ever delete what I held in my heart.

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A conference of change.

I have started holding a conference with myself in the past few weeks. It is branded a conference of change where I sit back an look at objectives in my life that need to be improved or changed or just plain left in the dust.

I have a very high tendency of letting things go recently in regards to my own wellbeing. I rather silence than dealing with someone who I find difficult at times. This is where my current conference of change comes to the forefront. Relationships are sporadic and I near to create change to initiate change in others. I realise I am not being entirely clear with my motives here but this is because this conference of change hasn’t concluded and I am still stuck at a crossroads of a fight or flight situation. In my opinion currently I should fly because there is many pastures new to be found. I get stuck to people like a glue when I find comfort but I need to concentrate on the goodness of the situation and to roll with my punches as I throw them instead of constantly fearing the impact.

I need to remove myself from this comfort entirely and strive towards more. Comfort is relative and it could be allot better well I wouldn’t know but isn’t that the entire point.

This conference of change is ongoing I won’t know if it has been put into action until the weeks to come.

Ethical questioning ?!?

What is ethical in this modern day and age. I’ve been pondering this thought in my head for the past 10 to 15 minutes and have come to a very odd conclusion. Ethical thinking is completely subjective to each individual someone who may be branded as heartless might react entirely different to a easier situation than a person who sobs over missing the bus. It’s all fluid but everyone is all lost and nothing is perfect.

There have been times where I have been unethical and it has ended IN sheer murdar and sadness and literal scenes of paranoia where all the birds in the world fly after me. SO MY ethical question IS. What is going to happen to those people who are currently or have been unethical towards ME. I want to see this karmatic ( new word lads) scale and the balances and unbalances of each and every person in my immediate distance. I want to know that the girl dropped her mug of tea in the canteen cause the night before she told a boy to fuck off cause he has an ugly mug of a face.

More IMPORTANTLY I want to see exactly where I lie on the scale and if I can expect more bad karma to swing my way before my balance is restored. It would be entirely helpful to me if I could see the karmatic influences my actions have like in a video game where the hero turns blue for good and red for bad! THAT way I can truly find out if what I am doing will have a positive or negative outcome!

Pop Quiz: Imagine you feel like you are being slightly or HECK entirely used by somebody that you care about quite a big deal. AND THEY know this AND you have expressed this idea on multiple occasions YET the occasions continue to occur but you don’t exactly care because it is a nice distraction from the impending doom of your reality.

That’s not my question! What my question is IS WHAT if YOU are the one who is using them! Imagine think about any situation you are in and reverse it back! I thought about this earlier and came to the conclusion that neither is a rotten egg in this situation! How did I come to this ethical conclusion in this ethical questioning simply by visualising both  parties in the following scenarios:

We are both Swan’s who have flown into a digger ( A large machine operated to remove large mounds of EARTH from the ground ) The DOOR has shut entirely and the Swan is just squawking and pressing random buttons while the outside machinery destroys EVERYTHING.

In layman terms We have no idea WHAT we are doing and it isn’t all calculated by some masterplan. Imagine not having ulterior motives towards someone and that you literally just enjoy their company cause they are a breath of fresh air and someone you never would imagine having a friendship with.  I get in my head sometimes with all this talk of couples and friends with benefits and just friends and acquaintances and what about your man. WHEN in reality the more time I think about said person in question using me the less time I spend chilling out and literally going where the spinning planet takes me.

This all came into context for me the other morning when a potential derailing of my day turned into a moment of power onto myself. A simple wave of acknowledgement brought me such joy into the factor of my personality I don’t often get to recognise, that power is my ability to forgive and reconcile with certain events in my life that quite often didn’t end how I envisioned . It put everything into perspective for me.

And this leads me to the ethical questioning of myself! in tandem with the brief statement above I have came to realise a eureka moment. Don’t be projecting the present its unhealthy YES I have felt a tad used by certain elements in my life but thinking about it fluidly instead of structurally can change the ethicality of an entire evening.

Yes you have had a brilliant night with someone and it may never happen again, why should you hate them for that reason and push this you lead me on attitude towards them. Think about the ignorance in the dancing, the teasing and the testing of the waters. The plunge. The vibrations in the floor that made you feel fuzzy. The synchronicity of movements. The I can’t believe I am being the literal definition of gay in public with you and not care about the passing glances from the commonfolks. Do not think of the ethical questioning. Think of the moments that had been shared and locked up into your subconscious forever to be looked back on in the long line of dizzy nights out that are projected in your future.

Don’t think of the ethical questioning.

Think of how fucking stupid you must have looked being embraced in a room full of people while at the same time feeling like it was just me and what I held in my skinny arms.

 

T x

help me tf please help fuck ahh

FUCKING LISTEN RIGHT. i HAVE been going utterly insane for the past few days and it has been rotten and I don’t even have the time to be heightening my English for this blog post cause i’m so fucking done with everything.

It’s like a big wheel of cheese is me, and i’ve been left out in the Sun but I am sentient and know I am a wheel of cheese and I know I am going rotten out in the sun but I can not move because I am cheese and like it’s hard because ALL I WANT TO DO IS MOVE BUT I’M CHEESE AND I CANT MOVE.

Let’s for 2 big fucking long time talk about LOVE. THATS RIGHT L.O.V.E that big bitch who rings you up at 1am and is like WHY AM I NOT IN YOUR LIFE YOU FAILURE. Everyone i know is obsessed with LOVE and I don’t know why because love is not obsessed with them love is obsessed with HATE and anytime Love comes to me it fucking brings hate along for the ride and I get so pissed off cause I want love without HATE. BUT TOMMY YOU MIGHT SAY LOVE IS UNREAL AND GREAT FORCE IN THIS WORLD. It isn’t if love didn’t exist I WOULD FEEL fine I wouldn’t think i’m too weird or annoying or eccentric or recently BORINg. I would feel before love which is a comfortable glow. ONCE U HAVE love ur fucked cause once it is gone you FEEL LIKE SHIT CAUSE THE WARMTH IS GONE AND you feel like you aren’t warm enough for yourself so U keep clamouring for it in every deep dark crevice you know.

YOU EVEN TRY AND FIND LOVE THAT IS LONG GONE AND THEN FEEL WORSE THAT ITS STILL GONE WHEN IT WAS ALREADY ONE AND YOU ALREADY MOURNED AND BOOM UR MOURNING AGAIN CONGRATS FUCK SAKE LOVE FUCK OFF.

HUMAN PATTERNS WRECK MY BRAIN ALL I WANT TO DO ALL DAY IS PAINT ON CANVASES AND I AM NO FUCKING ARTIST. But imagine all the weird combinations I could do and colours and to look at something Ugly I made but at least I made it.

I WANT TO GO OUTSIDE AND ACT THE UFCKING FOOL AND NOT FEEL ANXIOUS WHEN PEOPLE LOOK AT ME LIKE I AM INSANE. BECAUSE GUESS WHAT I AM INSANE WORLD STOP MAKING ME FEEL BAD FOR BEING THE TYPE OF INSANE THAT DOESN’T FIT IN CAUSE EVERYONE IS INSANE IN THE END.

I FUCKING TOLD MYSELF I was a SNAIL for a week to make myself feel better over an EX AND IT WORKED CAUSE I WAS A SNAIL AND I DIDN’T NEED A MAN I JUST NEEDED A SHELL AND IF THAT DOESN’T TELL YOU ABOUT IRELAND AND MENTAL HEALTH I DON’T KNOW WHAT FUCKING WILL.

IM RAMBLING I DON’T CARE FUCK OFF

EAT A BIG ASS

LOVE FUCK .

THIS IS A RANT IT HAS NO SUBSTANCE ONLY TO LET OFF STEAM

I AM A KETTLE, I AM A WHEEL OF CHEESE, I AM A SNAIL, I AM TOMMY.

 

 

What does he think?

What does he think, of me.

I sit, wonder and worry.
Has he lost his view of me as I have of myself.
Is he happy I am gone, no longer in his bed.
Does he feel I have left my goodness long long ago.

Why do I remain conscious of his view on me,
he wants nothing more to do with me.

Establishing in his mind I am a vessel of lies, for him to despise.
Ever ringing in my head his opposing words telling me I have branded myself a victim.

I have never seen a villain cry. I wish to lay down and die and be born a new.
As something he could love again. Something true.

They tell you, you have left me to respect yourself. I wonder how they so jumped to such conclusions when you treated me with such disregard.

Haggard I had to release my grasp now you view me as a ghast.

It hurts me when you say you think I had someone on the sidelines. How dare you say that.
I can only relate you to pain, as every time I see your name a rapturous fire consumes my soul and leaves me breathless and alone and suffering in the darkness.

I cannot think of you anymore. I have not witnessed you so I simply do not know who you are.

You once gave me a photo-frame as a gift with no picture inside of it. It is how I force myself to see you now.

A frame with good intentions but ultimately empty.
I want to speak to you but I never can.

What does he think of me, I ask myself on the daily.

Nothing good.

I pray i’m misunderstood.

Erosion

Something good is gonna happen.

I don’t know when.

I need to wait it out and stay in the moment.

To think i’ve been in agony over you for the entire year hurts me.
No because of you, but because of myself and even now still. I want to pick up that phone and natter on to you and make it better. But it has never been better every time I try to do better it ends in the same hurting chaos.

It is out there my happiness, it will find me.

So much pain has been absorbed into my fragile frame. And just when I think things are gonna change they stay the same.

I hate selling myself nobody ever likes me naturally. Not one person has ever liked/loved me without me trying so hard to show them. And even then it’s not enough.

I have never been enough.

I’ve had enough.

Something good is gonna happen.

I just don’t know when.

Exhaustion

I don’t know where to begin with this blog post because I am so utterly tired. I suppose I will start with the simple notion of  I am not a man to be coveted. What do I mean by this well it’s simple, not one person on this world has taken to me in a way that they have taken to love and cherish others. I am an emotionally distant pastime.

This has became ever so crushing in the recent months with 2 particular guys springing to my mind. I love both of them in their own special way. One a helluva lot more than the other which is odd because we don’t talk anymore. The other has positioned himself into the usual click of people I care about : Emotionally distant. It doesn’t usually affect me on such a scale however this particular person has led me to believe I was something more. This is a common theme, for those to put me up on a pedestal and tell me I am great and to even say they love me. Then the receiving actions from these people don’t correlate with what they have said to me.

I have examples for each. Bear in mind I still very much care about these people even though I shouldn’t.

  1. Let’s for my sanity call them Gizmo. And if you are reading this Gizmo don’t for god sake stop.

1. For you to tell me you care about me yet abstain from my life is a conundrum, for you to utterly throw abuse at me for when something bad happens unintentionally on both our behalf’s that is not Love. You always display such enrichment by letting me go, like you are taking some kind of high ground with everything yet both of our roads are cutting and filled with glass.   There are so many thing’s I wish to say to you to demonstrate just how much you changed my perspective of you. You rely on games to justify things, with telling me it upsets you when I think you didn’t Love me.

I had a revelation about you while being held by another and crying over my sheer embarrassment and lack of self dignity. One specific moment in my life that has defined my lack of self esteem and regard in myself in search of others. This moment I return to every-time I want to pick up my phone and beg for forgiveness to tell you every single word you want to hear to let me prance around like a puppet once more.

This took allot out of me I am finding it utterly terrifying to place it in words. I can’t it is too much for me to explain so I will shorten.

I was crying and in such a traumatic way about how I had degraded myself. And you sat in a corner and played with yourself, while I begged you to stop. I still got back together with you after this but where I am now. – This, this is why I gave up.

2. Gonzo lets give him a name.

He has been my latest fixation and he enjoys my fascination with him thoroughly. We have helped each other and I like I so often do mistake everything for Love. I want it to be known that I do love him and he hasn’t treated me like I deserve which makes sense to me now. Because he doesn’t want that from me, however much I covet someone who is straightforward and communicates with me like he does I cannot produce feelings within him. I have to suppress mine.

I would go into more detail with Gonzo but unlike Gizmo it is new friendship so I feel like I can be lenient when he upsets me because he doesn’t get how my brain works. and asking me if I am okay and apologising when I am upset shows me he does care about me he just knows he isn’t the one to give me the Love I require.

ME: I had to write this to keep my mind occupied as Gizmo keeps writing things that make me feel like I am after upsetting not just him but his entire world and it’s surroundings and that is not a fair burden to place on my light shoulders. Also his mother in so and so words threatened to get me hurt so IT IS definitely in my best interests to not call Gizmo up to talk to him. Because I very much like my kneecaps the way they are.

 

Thats all for now

Tommy x