You look at things from a certain angle depending on your opinion. For instance I will always look at something at how it effects me before considering the other person. Everyone does it, it’s primal in how humans are hard wired to do what’s best to help them survive. Asking a request of others may not always be answered. This is my current conundrum. Dealing with others has never been my strong suit which is why I probably spend half the time in my room and the other half making stupid jokes to cover up the fact I’m freaking out. This came clear to me when a mature classmate commented on a story I had told her about how I act when meeting new people. She turned around and said it sounds like you are overcompensating you might just be very nervous when meeting new people. Well thats a condensed version of what she told me, there where brand names for mental problems mentioned which I’m not going to write.
It’s worth thinking about, or is it a waste of time; my goal to impress is maybe just me being me. Here are the Stages of Tommy.
- I meet a person and try my best to be friendly yet refined talking about topics suitable for a first encounter.
- I’m gradually getting more comfortable with them they might start noticing how my voice is varying in volume and pitch occasionally squeaking.
- At rest being loud, making weird and often quite inappropriate jokes that pop into my head and fly out of my mouth at the speed of light.
- Talking about my interests as if they don’t matter ( even though I explain them in high detail suggesting they matter entirely to me) pass it off as just something I do, then recommend it to said person.
- If you reach stage five I am panicking have no idea why a person is still conversing with me and start questioning their motives, are they just talking so they can laugh at me later ( this stage is brief).
- Entire trust
- Stage 5 again.
- Blurting out every problem I have
- Stage 5 with 6 making it harder.
- Crying about how these people have no interest in me really its all a facade.
- Back to stage one except its constant over compensating and threading on words to make sure I don’t slip up.
- Don’t Know
I can’t continue on as there has never been a time where I never reverted back to old stages. Never 100% security in a relationship , and I don’t care about that because thats impossible unless you can mind read. There is always going to be a questioning voice there it has disappeared a few times and those people know who they are.
This has been a bit of a ramble all brought on by a rejection to see The Lego Batman Movie in the cinema, it gave me the idea to look back at myself subjectively and see myself as an other as a force of evil rather than good. Its interesting. I admit to people that I am flawed all the time yet I can never bring myself to fix these things.
I resent my persistent nature that makes me come across as desperate and isolated. I just need to give myself a full stop….End sentences with something different than an explanation mark making something so mundane as a film sound like an extravaganza. I hate how I always try to get what I want cause if I’m honest I never know what I want.
I just want to sit down and be told.