Finale

I find myself between the hips of another man, it isn’t you.
Such agony to bring myself to feel him without love.
A loveless affair, a quick dilemma.

Both of us wrong, lying in different beds in different worlds asking how the other could do what the other had done.
Both had their reasons.
every bit of weight was lost from my body and soul

finale to love
finale to hurt
finale to hate
finale to lies
finale to him
finale to me
finale

i find myself between the hips of another man.

 

 

 

 *about the poem: I wrote this 3 weeks ago after I slept with someone else I didn’t know after my boyfriend broke up with me. It’s not a proud poem,it’s not something I look back on fondly. But this is the poet you see before you not perfect and damaged. Sometimes it is hard to write something so raw and painful but this is what I saw it as at the time. A finale a full stop an end to something so challenging and wondrous and hurtful. Many of the poems on this site are about that man a boy I held so dearly in my heart and I  still do however my own personal actions have jeopardised our relationship so it is and shall remain for now a finale.

The sounds of pain.

I’ve been hurting a boy I love very much in the past month. I’ve turned into a person I don’t like and then I had the audacity to ask him to forgive me. Granted he isn’t perfect either he has his own things he does that hurt me allot. But thats what I always go back I go back to him causing me pain and not how I hurt him.

I don’t know the capacity of pain I can inflict on someone else because most of the time I’m a empty husk filling myself up with others. I slept with one random guy and then nearly did with another and i’ve to ask myself. What kind of person can do that to another and the answer is I don’t know. I blame my mental health, I blame my non existent support system yet I still made these decisions. I’ve become my own worst enemy when I used to be my own best friend. I used to be my only friend always the outsider I still am. I’m awkward make inappropriate jokes and get upset over little things. What happened to that guy who was a weirdo and outsider but he never ever did anyone any harm. He stayed to himself and looked after himself he ate and drank and enjoyed reading and listening to music and he sang how he sang.

I’m going back to him, that Tommy because I cannot ever go and have a relationship after what i’ve done. I’m gonna look after my aunt when she is old and have a nice dog. And sure I’m gonna cry cause I’m lonely sometimes. But I can’t do it again, not to him never to another I’m not a monster I cannot and will not live my life in the grips of demon.

I told my younger brother that I was feeling sad and he is gonna make me happy for the night. Im gonna make it I’m gonna change. I am so tired of hitting my head against a wall that won’t move. And if someone can love me I will let them but never again am I going to sell myself to someone. Im just gonna be myself and meet them naturally. Same way if I ever see him again, I’m gonna be myself and not have motives and be plotting and planning stuff.

I’m gonna plot and plan my wordpress. I am gonna plot and plan my life not my relationships.

A public declaration to my first love. Is this. I heard sounds of love when I was with you. But not its just sounds of pain.

Inside

The Door Opens,
see inside,
such coal, no pressure.

Gritted teeth. stained caffeine,
longer nails. shorter fuse
tremble.

cornerbound
face away.
unseen

vacancy
-quiet screams-
occupied

salt water cascading.
stubbed by prints
neverseen..

close the door

without a handle
without a lock

close the door

Next Stp. Happy

It’s a long way to happiness,
but a road that I must take.

My feet have been bleeding,
I have lost all of my cake.

I’ve taken many wrong turns
and hurt a many men.

But I must keep my head up,
I’ve had happiness before.

The path is long and perilous,
there’s lava on the floor.

But when I shut my eyes,
and picture you in my head.

I’m on the road to happiness.
Still alive and not quite dead.

10 things. Part 1

10 things I like about myself. Volume 1.

I like my sense of humour, its dark and sometimes offensive but never meant to hurt anyone.
my awe at dogs.
I like my ability to stay calm when I have 20 assignments due.
I like my academic confidence that has no reason to be there.
I like my nails when I paint them
I like the poems I write I feel they are nice to read.
my skin when its clear.
My logic when ive a clear head.
I can make a good roast chicken.
my hair when I put effort into it.

Sometimes life can seem so tough and sometimes you can be a cruel person, but to combat everything and look at how to improve oneself. One might look at the aspects of themselves that they like.

To maintain normality and grasp some kind of direction, I will now begin posting an entry a day. As I used to do the last time my life got tough.